5 days ago
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Vampires As Escorts
Angie (Raelyn Saalman) is the new girl in Hollywood fresh in from Oklahoma trying to make it big. When her ex boyfriend shows up, Ryan (Alton Butler) finds her waiting tables while she is trying to make it big. Ryan wants her to return home, but Angie isn't so willing to give up on her dreams just yet. Angie recruited to join an escort service where the people running it are vampires. Illyana (Julie Strain) is interested in Angie because she looks like someone in an old painting that Illyana owns. Ryan meets a guy who runs a movie theater, that happens to be running a Scream Queens double feature, who turns out to be a vampire hunter. They team up to try and save Angie from the vampires.
Other than Blonde Heaven having Julia Strain in it, I didn't know much about the movie itself. I read the little blurb that Netflix gave it, which wasn't really all that accurate, and went into the film more or less cold. It didn't take long at all to discover that this was just a soft porn film with vampires thrown in to mix it up I guess. I'm not even sure I would call it soft porn since it doesn't really even go that far most of the time. The plot, of you really want to call it that, never gets going for very long. Not that the plot was all that interesting, but when it does start to shape itself into a movie with a plot, in comes another sex scene. Of course there is plenty of nudity to go around, along with a little bit of male nudity as well. The sex scenes are all in somewhat slow motion, I guess to drag them out even longer. What is sad is that it apparently took three people to write this stuff. Director David DeCoteau, not using his real name in the credits, seems to be known for this type of movie. If I had known that, I probably wouldn't have bothered with it. Not that I mind nudity and sex, just that the way it is presented in these types of films makes it very boring.
No effects to speak of unless you count bite marks that looked more like bad looking sores than anything. The acting wasn't all that great. I guess Julie Strain did okay except for the so called fight scenes. Those were funny actually. No sound besides some music and punching noises. Michelle Bauer shows up for a short while, but doesn't share the screen with Strain. They managed to get Joe Estevez in the film for one scene where he is trying to talk Angie into doing a bit of a role play type thing where he is a mummy.
I know there are people who love these kind of films, after all they wouldn't keep making them otherwise, but they have never been for me. They are fine for a background distraction while I am busy with whatever else, but that is about it. I almost turned off Blonde Heaven at the ten and twenty minute mark since I was just so bored with it, but I stuck with it. I hate turning a movie off no matter how bad it is. Unless you are into these kind of films, or a big fan of either Strain or Bauer, I don't see any reason why anyone should rush out to find Blonde Heaven. Hopefully the next film I watch will be at least a little better.
1 out of 5 Good thing I wasn't tired while watching this one